The Thoughts After
26 April 2025
I’m supposed to be happy today. Or at least be basking in some sort of feeling of accomplishment. I’ve been working tirelessly to get this website up. To keep up with Aaron and his story. And it’s up. I even added to Aaron’s story this morning. So why do I still feel like I haven’t done anything?
One of my favorite parts of building this website was drudging up old work from my past. The amount of hidden scripts, writings, songs, art that I found was immense. I had forgotten 90% of it. But sorting through all that work, decades of my life, led to something adjacent to grief. It’s over. That part of my life is over. I haven’t been in a recording studio for at least six years - I can’t even remember when or where it was. It’s just gone. I still play guitar, but only for myself and I only paint when I’m sad. It’s a lot to come to terms with.
Even with my screenwriting, reading through my very first ten page shorts… That was a different time in my life. Written in a different place by a different person. I feel so disconnected to all of it, yet it is somehow still me.
I committed to the idea of settling down a couple years ago. Putting down roots, being a part of the community, staying in one city long enough to maybe, just maybe belong. Having been here now for about five years, Austin feels like home in a sense. And yet, the thought still crosses my mind from time to time - maybe I should start over somewhere new. Do it all again.
Not because I want to leave, but because I’m scared.
I’m older now than I ever thought I’d be. And there are plenty more decades ahead. Decades of uncertainty. The same uncertainty I’m sitting in now. I’ve pushed and clawed and fought just to be where I am, which doesn’t feel like anywhere at all. Especially on days like today where I DID do something. I did something public, but I also did my behind the scenes work. The scripts I’m working on in private. The other writing I need to do to make that writing work. The constant learning and practice and pushing. But I still don’t feel like I’m doing enough.
I designed it that way, I know. I think part of me needs that emptiness. After I hit publish, I looked around my apartment and all I saw were books and paper and three-hole punches. All that was left was more writing. And the dishes. There weren’t enough dishes for a full load, but I ran the washer anyway because I needed the blender clean so I could make myself a smoothie which, unfortunately, has become the highlight of my days. That and coffee, in the most cliche way possible.
And tonight, who knows? I already had my coffee. Already made and drank my smoothie. The blender is already back in the dishwasher. My guitar is within arms reach but all I only write sad songs and I just want to be happy tonight. I want a celebratory hug. A literal pat on the back. I’d take a handshake.
I was going to treat myself to a baseball game, but the Brewers started playing while I was still on my timed writing. They’ve already played and lost. I could read a book, but that would inevitably lead to me working on my novel and stirring up all the negative emotions I’m trying to avoid right now.
I’m surrounded by work. Everything is work. Everything I used to do for fun is now work. Relax, you say? I usually relax by writing or watching a movie or playing guitar or listening to music. Work. I can’t get out of it right now.
Building this site gave me something other than work to focus on. I had to relearn everything and do research to sharpen my website building skills. It was a good distraction. It was fun. I had a great time, even when things went wrong and I had to spend hours fixing a dumb problem. It was challenging and required a lot of thought and practice. Now that it’s up, building the website means adding writing. Like this. And it’s lost it’s sparkle. I’ll still do it, it’s just the tension that gives you the adrenaline rush.
Don’t get me wrong, most of my days are more than I could have ever hoped for. To write and build and plan, it’s amazing. It doesn’t end. There are always more scripts to write and videos to film and people to meet. And the hours fly by as I’m click-clacking away. I get away here and there to de-stress at the gym or see a friend, but to have to time to really throw myself into it has been an absolute dream.
So tomorrow, I’ll wake up. Have my coffee. Work on my scripts. Check in with Aaron. Make my smoothie. And I’ll be back in my normal, optimistic, fuck-it-let’s-just-do-it mode.
But tonight… Tonight I might just have to be a little sad.
I promised I’d be honest with you. So there it is.
-Rocket